BETRAYAL

She sat in the park looking at the other kids play, she saw fathers and their daughters, mothers and sons, families bonding in the sun. She sat in her seat at the park, staring at them, the odd one out. There were couples there too, she looked at them with a mixture of curiosity and confusion, not exactly understanding how they could seat out there in the sun and look so happy. Everyone in the park looked happy, she didn’t get it. Hadn’t in a long time, probably never would again.

She’d tried getting into a relationship once before, when she was fifteen. He was the cutest boy in her school, at least that was what the girls in her class said. He was funny, he made her laugh. A really difficult feat. He’d tried for a while to understand her, she’d pitied him. He’d tried to love her, but instead she pushed him away. She’d convinced herself he didn’t care, he only wanted to sleep with her. Wasn’t that what all the guys wanted? To satisfy the animal within them, no matter who got bitten. She was so bitter and he didn’t understand, her coldness was alien to him. Her sweet, sensitive Jason. She could hear his voice in her head

“I really love you”

“At least can I get a kiss?”

“You are like the North Pole, so cold and unforgiving”

“Who hurt you”

“Give me a chance, let me love you”

“You are too young to be this hateful and bitter”

He was too young to understand, he’d been protected from the realities of life his whole life. Eventually, he’d left. She was happy for him, glad he’d stopped watering a rock. No rose was going to grow from this concrete, not even one with bent petals. She remembered their last fight, he’d looked at her with such pity

“I hope one day you find the strength to forgive yourself. I am drowning while trying to save you and you aren’t even trying to save yourself. You are too young to be dead, whatever it is, find someone to talk to. Confide in someone and move past this.”

With that he’d left. It was easy for him to say, it was easy for him to judge her. She didn’t have anyone to talk to, no one. But she knew he was right. Her Jason, the first guy she ever kissed, if things were different maybe… That night she cried herself to sleep. She’d stopped crying a long time ago, tears were useless. So was praying. She didn’t waste her time on her knees anymore, except… So many nights she’d cried and begged and prayed, it’d all come to naught. She hated church most of all, because that was what made ruining her life so easy. She was eighteen now, eighteen years and seven days old. It had taken her seven days to make a decision about what she’d do, she knew what she wanted to do, what she felt she had to do but tonight she had to actually do it. She got up from the bench and walked home, oblivious of the world and everyone around. Oblivious to the stares of men and women alike, oblivious of how utterly beautiful she was and that only made her more beautiful. Today was Friday, her mum would be out for her monthly last Friday vigil, so it was now or never.

That night, she walked her mum to her car and hugged her tight, hoping that after tonight her mum would understand why she did what she had to. It was 9:43 pm. She heard the maid lock up for the night, saw her father yell at her younger ones to go to bed, heard them playfully grumble and plead for a few more minutes in front of the TV and as usual, daddy refused. He turned to her and said

“That includes you too, Angel. Go get ready for bed, I’ll come by to tuck you in later”

Without a word she got up, and headed to her room. Her legs felt heavy, her heart racing. For the first time in four years, she said a silent prayer, hoping her father won’t come to tuck her in.

Four years ago, she’d been a happy kid full of life, and her biggest worry was how to stop the pain in her breasts caused by puberty. One day, her mother had gone for her monthly night vigil as she always did and her father had come into her room to tuck her in like he always did, but that night changed everything. Her father had raped her and he didn’t need to threaten her to keep her mouth shut, the shame and betrayal she’d felt had done that for him. Almost every month, when her mother left for church, her father came to her room and “tucked her in”. The next month she’d locked the door to her room as her mother left, he’d broken down her door and beaten within an inch of her life, then raped her twice “to teach her a lesson”. When her mother came, he said she’d been disrespectful to him and her mother had bought it. Today, she’d finally worked up the courage to end it. She could see her little sister was growing up to be a beautiful young woman and it was only a matter of time before she was being tucked in too. She looked at the time, it was 11:30 pm. She heaved a slight relief and loosened her grip on the kitchen knife hidden partially under her pillow, maybe tonight wasn’t his night to die after all.

She suddenly jerked up and realized she’d slept off, she saw him standing in the doorway, grinning. His eyes, glistening with desire. She watched him with pure hate as he walked towards her in his briefs. No girl should ever have to see her father like this. Her grip on the knife tightened as he climbed on the bed, she glanced up at the clock, it was 10 minutes to midnight. How ironic it was, that at this exact time, her mother was most likely praying for God’s protection over her family”